Knowing exactly when a relationship should be ended is always a difficult mission. Many of us don’t want to break up because many different reasons. Such as scared to be lonely and many more. The main reasons is depends on the people involved and on the situation they live in.
There is one proof from Dr. John Gottman about the sign of break up. Gottman found an 83 percent chance of divorce when four behaviors were present between members of a couple, even after watching them talk for only three minutes. He called these four behaviors “the four horsemen of marriage apocalypse.” And even though Gottman dealt specifically with marriage, these horsemen also show up in unmarried relationships and are just as destructive.
First one is Criticism
Criticism is not like complaint. Its about the other as a person rather than about the problematic actions or behavior.
An exapmle for you about complaint: “Would you mind clean the bathroom for me? You know i can handle it but i’m just feel so tired. But at least you have to clean your bathroom or you can do with me. It help so much.”
Opposite from that example is an example about criticism: “You’re just a selfish jerk. You never think about how I feel or all the work I do for you. I really wish you’d think about someone else than yourself for once.”
The difference is that the first one is about a specific behavior and the second is about the partner as a person.
It always happen in a relationship and it will get worse when you angry. If you criticise your partner constantly or feel like your partner is constantly criticising you, it’s just a matter of time before it turns into something nastier: contempt. This will be a sign for you to consider leave or stay in relationship with that person.
Second Horsement is Contempt
We show contempt which is treat others people with disrespect. We insult others, use sarcasm, mimic them, roll our eyes, or scoff at them. Even make theirs name ridiculous. All of those just one purpose is make them feel worthless.
If any one are reading this have been treated like that, you know how much it hurts. And treating a partner with contempt shows that you have no respect for them means their feelings, theirs needs.
When ever you feel contempt is appears in your relationship that means there is no love anymore. It turn to a war, and one thing left is animosity and resentment. You should be warn and think that a big warning flag when ever it appear.
If you are being treated this way or you treat your partner with contempt, there is no way to save that relationship anymore.
Third Horsement is Defensive
Defensive in relationship means trying to avoid responsibility for your actions.
Here is an example for you to know more:
“I feel like our s.e.x life has been a bit stale lately, and I feel like you’re not really paying attention to my needs and desires in bed.”
“Well, if you didn’t nag me about the dishes all the time, maybe I’d want to have s.e.x with you.”
Along with defensive is contempt. Just like you see in example, the second partner is not hearing the first partner’s concern and is just trying to deflect blame back onto them.
This come out because we all have a tendency to want to think well of ourselves, and conversations like this threaten our self-respect.
Remember that we might do things that can hurt our partner even we don’t want it. Its called navigating the feelings, needs, desires, values, and ambitions of two people.
If your partner is constantly using defensiveness or you are reacting defensively to their attempts to discuss things with you, maybe it’s time you take a hard look at your relationship. May be you should think about end up this relationship.
The Last of Four Horsement: Stonewalling
This is the feeling when you’d rather do anything else than have the conversation. You will do things such as turn off phone, silent treatment, … And you only talk when necessary.
A relationship turn into stonewalling stage is hopeless. Or we can say hard to recover it.
Finally: Should You Break Up?
Four Horsement can help you recognize the time and the sign of relationship. But most important is you, you are the best judge to your relationship. You have to make last decision: stay or leave. Though there are many therapy can heal a broken relationship but like we just said: You have to make your own decision.